Overcoming obstacles to giving feedback
Kim Scott hit the nail on the head when she said, "One of the funniest things about becoming a boss is that it causes an awful lot of people to forget everything they know about how to relate to other people."
It's a sentiment that's been ringing true lately, especially with the coaching clients I've been working with. They’re facing some real challenges when it comes to giving feedback to their team members. It's not that they're short on things to say; rather, they're hesitant to dive into those tough, human conversations with someone they work with.
Their reasons for avoiding these challenging discussions run the gamut, from operational concerns to deeply personal fears:
"I don’t have time."
"We work remotely, and I prefer face-to-face conversations."
"What if I’m wrong? I don’t want to hurt my team members' feelings."
Giving feedback can be uncomfortable; I get it. But as a manager, it's part of your job to help your team members grow and develop. That's where books like Scott’s "Radical Candor" and “Crucial Conversations” (Patterson, Greeny, McMillan Switzler) come in—they're packed with invaluable guidance that has shaped the way I coach clients on delivering feedback.
Let's tackle some of these concerns head-on:
Time: Scott talks about how good feedback can be delivered in just two to three minutes between meetings. No need to wait until your next one-on-one or schedule a dedicated coffee chat. Instead, end your meetings a few minutes early to allow time in between meetings for feedback to the group or an individual.
Face-to-Face vs. Remote Work: With the rise of remote work, face-to-face feedback isn't always an option. But that doesn't mean you can't make it real and safe. Opt for virtual calls whenever possible, paying attention to body language cues. Crossed arms, hunched shoulders and poor eye contact are a good sign that the person isn’t ready for feedback. If someone tells you that they’re hungry, tired, agry or frustrated, wait until later.
Plus, with video calls you can see how the feedback is being processed. If someone responds emotionally, you can show compassion and support. If that's not feasible, a phone call is the next best thing—just steer clear of email or text.
Fear of Being Wrong: It's natural to worry about being wrong when giving feedback. It's natural to worry about being wrong when giving feedback. But when you don't give feedback, you run the risk that you're making assumptions and not taking the time to validate them. For example, if you assume a team member stumbled through a presentation because they didn't care about it, you're missing out on the opportunity to find out what's really going on.
As the Centre of Creative Leadership puts it, the only way to truly understand someone's intentions is to ask them. And the only way to let someone know their impact is to tell them.
Try this approach called Situation, Behaviour, Impact:
Describe the situation you observed.
“In today’s all-hands meeting…”
Explain the behaviour you noticed.
“I noticed that you stumbled over your presentation and some of the numbers that you cited from our recent release were incorrect.”
Share the impact it had
“I felt frustrated as that reflected poorly not only on you, but the entire team’s work.”
Then, ask about the person’s original intentions to highlight the gap between intent and impact.
For example: "What were you hoping to accomplish from today’s presentation?" or "What was going on for you?"
This will bring your team member into the conversation and give them an opportunity to respond. Ideally, you’re creating space for a two-way conversation that is based on what happened and your true feelings—not judgement. With this approach, the listener is more likely to absorb what you’re saying.
By embracing these strategies and facing these challenges head-on, you'll become a more effective leader—one who isn't afraid to have those tough conversations and help their team members reach their full potential.
