The Sneaky Reason You're Failing: Ditch Expectations for Agreements
Hard Truth: You’re failing because you’re setting slippery expectations instead of creating clear agreements. Let me explain…
Illustration by artinker.com for Kate Leto
Do you feel like there’s something in the air that’s making getting-up and putting your product hat on more difficult than usual? Well guess what … You’re not alone in that!
In the coaching work that I do with product leaders, the tension between wanting to go back to work while also feeling resistance or anxiety is a huge topic of conversation at this time of year. It’s the end of summer holidays - it’s a bittersweet moment. Kids return to school, adults go back to work, and the rhythm of daily life resumes. In France (where I spend quite a bit of time), this part of the year has its own name: La rentré, the return to normal life.
For some of us, it can be an energising time. We’re refreshed, rejuvenated from time off, and ready to enter the last part of the year with vigour. But for many others, it can be a real challenge to resume our always-on lives with timelines and demands from work, family and friends.
While it may not be an easy time, it’s actually a great opportunity to take a look at the expectations we have on ourselves and others that might be making this “return” more challenging than it needs to be. And by the way, we can feel this way at any time of year, but these feelings tend to be exacerbated whenever we find ourselves in times of transition.
The slippery slope of expectations
You may be thinking, ‘slipper slope?’, expectations are great - they’re often a source of hope and direction, not just for us, but those around us too. They are beliefs that we hold about ourselves or others around what we think should happen.
But here’s the kicker, we have to be so cautious of expectations because they are often assumptions in disguise. Assumptions about how others will behave, how the market might react, how customers might respond to our products. And the problem with making assumptions, as you’ve probably heard, is when you assume you make an ass out of you and me!
The vast majority of the time, these expectations are not based on things that we can ultimately control. They’re a mini, though hopeful, break from reality. (And who doesn’t like a little of that? :).
And, what happens when our assumptions are proven wrong or our expectations fail? To say the least, we’re left disappointed, frustrated, and often fall into a spiral of self judgement. (Hello, old friend!). And of course, this doesn’t just affect you, but the people around you, too. At a basic level, unmet expectations lay a foundation for tension and conflict.
With countless expectations placed upon us at work and home, it’s no wonder we might be hesitant to go back to “real life” after a holiday.
Trade toxic expectations for simple agreements
“We have two choices in life when we relate to other humans: to have expectations or set agreements,” - Steve Chandler, Executive coach and author says.
According to Chandler, expectations are toxic and ruin people’s chances at a good relationship, because they’re one-sided and the person you’re placing expectations on doesn’t have the opportunity to share their perspective.
Haven’t you ever just felt like being rebellious, just for the sake of it sometimes? People naturally want to rebel against expectations that are forced upon them. And when you rely on expectations, there are only two potential outcomes:
You’re disappointed when the other person doesn’t live up to them.
You feel neutral when they meet them.
It’s much more powerful and effective to create agreements. An agreement is the result of a conversation that involves creating, negotiating, and designing with the other person. Taking this approach gives everyone the opportunity to share their perspective and establish boundaries.
Put in the effort and create agreements
Now that you’re aware of the distinction between expectations and agreements, you’ll probably start to see them in all sorts of situations. Personally, I started noticing expectations in the coaching work I was doing, both in terms of my expectations for my clients and their expectations for me, so I started kicking off all my coaching engagements with a list of agreements that I co-create with my clients.
I provide prompts about topics like our roles, responsibilities, and preferred communication styles, and we use this to frame an open conversation. For example, we agree that the outcome of our work is up to the client - they bring the topic, energy and focus of each session. I don't do that work for them. Writing that down and talking through that as an agreement upfront clears out any expectations on what their role is in our coaching relationship and what’s mine.
How could you do something similar with a new project at work or a new team member? For example:
Stop feeling pressure from stakeholders to prioritise their must-have features by shifting their expectations for delivery to an agreement to when/how/why prioritisation decisions will be made.
Bring together teams that are dependent on each other and surface the expectations that each team has in things like priorities, features, communication and infrastructure. Form agreements that bring confidence and clarity to the outcomes that you’re working towards and how you’ll get there.
Don’t just set expectations for your new hires on what they need to do in their first 100 days. Create agreements on what they’re responsible for, how you’ll check in and communicate. Write them down, talk through them. Take an extra step and have each person involved sign the document.
Expectations are not good enough for you, your team or your customer. Take the time, have the conversation to create an agreement so that everyone knows where they stand. Then, make it a reality.
Expectations and agreements are a core part of my coaching. Get in touch to find out how shifting your way of thinking from expectations to agreements can boost communication and alignment with your team.
I’d also like to express a warm thank you to Erin Baker for introducing me to this topic!
