Product Leadership Essentials: Self empathy and how you can build it
Illustration by artinker.com.
Empathy is an incredibly important skill for leaders. In my previous article about empathy, I discuss in-depth why empathy is so important, along with facts and figures that show the effect empathetic leadership (or leadership that lacks empathy) can have on your workplace, culture, and bottom-line.
But empathy can be elusive. How can you empathise with people when you don't understand what they are going through? After all, you haven’t lived their experiences, so how can you really empathise?
There are two skills sets to explore: One is the ability and willingness to shift outside of your own perspective to understand someone else's. The other is to truly build empathy for yourself. Neither are easy skills to master, and in many ways they are interconnected, with one continually powering the other. Just remember, both are there for you to learn, practice and grow with.
Let’s start with the first skill - the ability to look outside of your perspective. Here’s an example:
Joan is consultant who’s been working non-stop on a presentation for a new client and the client isn’t impressed. She gives Joan some harsh feedback in front of others and Joan is fuming, so much so that she doesn’t speak the rest of the meeting and immediately halts contributions. Joan is so overwhelmed by her own feelings that she can’t begin to think about how the client is feeling and where here feedback might be coming from.
Later in the day, Joan talks through the situation with a friend and begins to unpack her own emotions and starts to reflect on where the client might be coming from. She’s been able to shift from her focus on self to focus on other. It’s not something she could do in the moment, but with space and someone to talk it through, she’s made the shift.
Another important part of empathy for others is empathy for yourself. In moments when you don't live up to your own expectations for yourself - you miss a goal, you say something in the heat of the moment that you regret, whatever it might be - instead of subjecting yourself to gruelling bouts of guilt and regret, ask why.
Grab a pad of paper and your favourite pen or pencil and sit down in a quiet spot for 10 minutes. Ask yourself:
Why is this my expectation for myself?
Does that expectation come from me or is it something that I picked up from outside that was taught to me?
How is it serving me?
Do I want to keep it? Change it? Replace it?
The answer to those questions may be important for creating an internal shift that allows you to really start to empathise with yourself.
It may seem like a strange thing to say, but sometimes you need to step outside your primary perspective to see your world from another perspective; the part of you that is struggling to keep up.
Asking these questions will make you take a look at the internal rules you have for yourself, question their legitimacy in an honest way, and perhaps even allow you to forgive yourself for breaking the "rules."
You may think, "If I just forgive myself every time I break my own rules, how can I have any standards?"
Forgiving yourself does not mean abandoning the standard ... IF it's a good one. What it means is that you agree that sometimes it is difficult to meet the standard and that you don't have to hate yourself for missing it. Forgiving yourself gives you room to ask questions, like:
What is it about the standard that makes it difficult, even for me, to reach?
What could be adjusted about the standard without damaging the important parts of it?
What ARE the important parts of the standard? How can I do things differently next time?
So, this week, dedicate some time to getting to know yourself better and start to build a skill that will be with you for years to come. When you feel like you’re falling short of your own expectations, create space for self-empathy by:
Examining the expectation, find out what is important and necessary about it and what is not.
Forgiving yourself for missing the mark this time, recognising that you'll try again next time, perhaps with a more in-depth understanding of what you’re trying to achieve
Examining the reason for the "failure" and how you can change your behaviour for the next time.
If you can do these three things, you'll make some surprising discoveries.
Self empathy is fundamental to building your own authentic leadership practice. Being more comfortable and confident in listening to yourself makes it easier to listen to others. And, listening to others can help you create the kind of safe space that empowers and energises the people you work with.
It all starts with you!
To find out more about building self-empathy and putting empathy into action, sign up for our waiting list for the next Empathy in Action MasterClass.
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